MUMblings!

My baby girl Ria was born exactly two weeks ago. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to be a mother for the first time. Now that I’ve had enough time to settle into motherhood, I just wanted to write this blog to tell you all about how she was born. When I was pregnant and close to labor, I was petrified but the idea of giving birth. Whenever the topic of giving birth came up, I only heard HORROR stories. Most of these stories were not pleasant. So I really hope that my blog will help any mothers-to-be out there to dispel any fears or anxiety and just enjoy the miracle of giving birth!

I woke up at around 3.15am on Wednesday morning which what felt like an acute back pain but I wasn’t worried because I’d had these pains of and on for a few days. Slowly the pain began to occur in the abdominal area and that’s when I woke my husband up. We decided to head to the hospital even though my due date was about a week away and since we’re both meticulous planners, we had everything scheduled. We called my mom who lives quite close to the hospital and asked us to meet us there directly, called the hospital to let them know we were coming and grabbed the bag that we had packed to take with us to the hospital. I do recommend that you keep your hospital bag fully packed and handy as it saves time and a lot of stress. Just the basics will do. I could feel the contractions beginning and I started to time them – how long they lasted and how far apart they were. Luckily for us the traffic at that hour was not much and by 4.30 or so we were in the hospital. By this time, the contractions were starting to hurt more.

When we got to the hospital we had to wait for a few mins as the doctor was in another procedure but a nurse was very helpful and checked on me quite often. Then the doctor arrived and I was moved to the delivery room. She did a quick check of all my stats and told me that everything is on track and she would come to check on me in a while. Now, every time I’d heard about labor, I was always told that the average duration of labor is about 10 hours. I can’t tell you how much this frightened me! I tend to cry for days over a twisted ankle so being in 10 hrs of labor was unimaginable. My husband was quite aware of how scared I was and luckily our hospital allowed him to stay with me throughout! He kept massaging my back while talking to me and that helped me regulate my breathing. Check with your doctor ahead of time whether they have any policy regarding the husband being present during the birth.

At 8.45am, right after a really painful contraction, my “water broke”. It feels like a water balloon bursting out of you and you cannot control it. The good thing is that it didn’t hurt. Apparently for some women, the water breaks a little earlier. When the doc came back to check on me, she told me I was all set to push the baby out. It had only been 5 hours or so since my labor began! I think at that point I was so excited about giving birth that despite the tremendous pain, I gave it all my energy and pushed. It took me four big pushes and baby Ria was out! The pain stopped almost instantly! After Ria came out it took a few seconds for her to make a sound and I was petrified but as soon as I heard that first scream, I was overwhelmed with joy! The doctor had to give me 4 stitches as I had torn a little during the delivery and I was told that the soreness would reduce in a few days.

Every gathering, every meeting, every phone call and every email had that one constant theme running through it. Every person I had ever known wanted to know when Rajiv and I were planning to start a family. People asked me this ALL the time and I wanted to tell them, but I was always afraid that once I start, I wouldn’t be able to stop talking or worse, crying. I wanted to spare myself the embarrassment. But the fact of the matter was that Rajiv and I had been trying for close to 20 months to get pregnant. Month after month we got our hopes up and month after month we had to struggle to remain sane through the constant disappointment.

After many months of trying natural methods, we decided to visit a doctor. It was a very tough decision to make. The possibility that one or both of us could be “defective” was always hanging over our heads like a noose. More importantly, I think I had some kind of a mental block. I wanted my baby to be conceived the normal way. I wanted it to be an act of love and not a medical procedure. I had to finally give up these romanticized notions. So we scheduled an appointment and went to the doctor together. I made peace with the fact that having a baby and starting a family is more important that holding on to girlish dreams. No matter how my child is conceived, he or she would be special in every way. So I made a personal promise to myself to stay positive through whatever lay ahead of me and went ahead with the appointment.

As I sat in the waiting room, I made a mental list of my medical history as well as that of my family. I was paranoid about providing as much info as possible so that they could get to the bottom of the problem and get me started on a treatment plan. Apart from the usual weight check and blood pressure check, the doctor then started to ask us very personal questions. I mean, we don’t even discuss these things with our closest friends, leave alone a complete stranger. It was quite an embarrassing experience! After that I went through the complete routine of blood tests, pelvic ultrasounds and even an HSG. Rajiv wasn’t spared either. The worst part was that ambiguous stage where we had done all the tests and were just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring wit the results. I had no interest in anything else. After all that, we were told that there was nothing wrong with us; our tests were just fine. Now, I know you might think that it would’ve been a relief but it was really just the opposite. I was so frustrated! If there was nothing wrong with either of us, why couldn’t we conceive?

We were then advised to continue trying to conceive by calculating the days of ovulation and having sex on those days. I had charts and tables and even schedules drawn up for Rajiv and me. Sadly, month after month, I failed to get pregnant and there was hardly any intimacy left between us. As a newly married couple we had enjoyed the love making so much. Now it just felt like a mechanical routine. The thing is that the effect of this whole issue was more psychological than anything else. I craved having a baby bump. I got annoyed with other pregnant women who complained about pregnancy. I blamed myself for my barrenness – was God punishing me for being a selfish human being? My sex drive crashed entirely. Rajiv got tired of my constant state of depression. It was altogether the most tiresome phase of my life.

After 20 months of disappointment and seeing that dreaded one line on my pregnancy test, I’m glad to report that I finally won the jackpot! Yup, I finally saw those elusive two lines on the test and am now 5 months pregnant. Initially I was very superstitious and didn’t want to jinx my pregnancy but now my doctor assures me that all is well and well, that’s why I sat down to write this blog. The fact of the matter is that you need not feel alone – I have come to realize that infertility is something a large number of women have to deal with. Remember, its all about calculations and numbers and dates and schedules. And though this can be exhausting and tiresome, the first sight of that positive pregnancy test makes it completely worth it all! Don’t give up hope – Your baby is waiting to be born!

Yes, having a baby completely changes your life. If you really think about it, childbirth is nothing short of a miracle. The idea that I’m responsible for a tiny little human being is exhilarating and also terrifying. Yeah, I could’ve done without the morning sickness, the swollen feet and the terrible lower back pain. I dealt with the mood swings and the random cravings. I also read almost every form of literature ever published about childbirth. After over nine months of laboring (pun intended!) over my little miracle, I finally went into labor and had a normal delivery. What a way to welcome someone into my life – pushing n’ screaming! So baby Priya is finally here and amidst all the oohs and aahs, I find myself wondering, now what?!

I’ll admit it right now – I’m terrified of my little girl. Well, terrified of her and for her. What do I know about raising a child? Parental philosophies aside, I find myself worrying that I’ll end up hurting her. What if I feed her too much? Or too little? What if I can’t figure out what she’s crying for? What if I hurt her delicate body? Yup, I’m a nervous wreck around her. My mom is around to help but in a few weeks she’ll be gone and then its just screaming baby and me. The worst part is that my mom always seems to know just what Priya wants. Amma will often suggest, “Why don’t you try holding her the other way?” and sure enough, her tears stop instantly. I always try to hide the look of amazement on my face; how did she know that?

The other night amma was packing her bags to leave and I broke down. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of looking after the baby on my own. That’s when I had an epiphany of sorts (thanx to my mom again! How does she always know?). Amma talked to me about my own childhood – I remembered nursing my sick doll back to health, I remembered tucking my teddy under a blanket so he wouldn’t be cold, I remembered spoon feeding little puppies and mostly, I remembered that nobody told me to do these things. It suddenly occurred to me that being a mother is a natural part of me. I think on some level, I’ve been a mother at so many different points in my life (even if it was just to dolls!). I also think this is true of most women. It is in our spirit.. in our bones. We just know. What made me smile was amma’s confession that she felt exactly the same way when I was born! Yeah, I think I’ll do just fine and more importantly, I know my little girl will be just fine!

When I got married, I still considered myself to be fairly young. My husband and I are the same age, so I guess neither of us was in any hurry. The first few years of marriage were exactly how I’d imagined it to be – happy, carefree and a whole lot of fun! This took me by surprise – I mean, who expects marriage to be fun right? My mom always told me that it was all about adjusting mental attitudes and compromising, but here we were, my husband and I, having fun like two kids on permanent vacation. Soon we decided to expand our little family and create our on entourage and now all those warnings of compromise and adjustments were suddenly so relevant.

I think women are born to be mothers. While it might not be the sole purpose for most of us, it certainly is a hugely significant one. We started trying and we really did think me going off the pill would be the solution. But it wasn’t as simple as that. Month after month, we waited and hoped that I wouldn’t get my period and when I did, the disappointment was just unbearable. Initially it was just family members who gave us advice – my mother, his mother, grand aunts – they all had a solution to offer. But soon, our friends jumped on the “well-wishing” bandwagon as well. There was no escape. We slowly withdrew into our own shell bearing no semblance to the happy, energetic couple we once were. Suddenly my husband and I didn’t have much to say to each other. I silently hoped that he didn’t blame me for our empty nest; I guess he hoped the same from me. So between all the disappointment and frustration, we decided to try other options.

I spent most of my working day on the Internet reading every scientific journal about pregnancy and related problems. It became an obsession of sorts. We tried alternative therapies, yoga, all kinds of natural remedies and even considered consulting a karmic specialist! When you’re at a supermarket, staring at the mother and child in front of you and then seem to forget what you came in to buy, that’s when you know you need a break! This stalker-like behavior happened last week and I rushed home to tell my husband that we needed to go back to being our old happy selves again. I figured that if we were going to try to have a baby, we might as well have fun while doing it right? I mean, I’d rather conceive a baby with complete joy than do it in complete frustration! So we’ve decided to take a little holiday – just the two of us, with no mention of babies or ovulation or fertility. I’m going to be my happy self again and have made peace with the fact that what will be, will be.